Waiting for selflessness

When at work, I try to do my best for people. Fairness is my game. I treat people with respect and id hope people understand that id rather take on all the burden so that no one else has to. 
Of course I don’t want to, you’d have to be crazy to want to, but it’s kind of like a leap of faith and an interesting way to see if people will respect you enough to offer to share the burden with you. 
My “second in command” is a bit selfish in my opinion. I get a lot of complaints about his laziness and I see that he is uninterested in others and supporting a positive working environment. But it’s good to have faith in people right? 

There’s having faith in someone, and then theirs blind faith…

Essentially, cutting to the chase of it. He is moving to another store and is in limbo for 2 months to twiddle his thumbs however he pleases until this store opens. So when I make it perfectly clear that we could use his support due to understaffing, I’d expect a good natured person to offer to help. Totally flabbergasted when he basically says no.
So here we go. I try to take it all on myself, rotas myself in for the next 14 days straight cause I wouldn’t expect anyone to lose a day off their entitled to. 
I’d really shakes my faith in people when a person is really struggling and they can choose to ignore and carry on planning to do nothing but sip tea and play candy crush for two months.
I hope he never has to read this, but at the same time, I hope he realises that he has completely failed as a human being in my books. 
Is it natural to feel that when the shoe is on the other foot, karma would be a bitch?
Who am I kidding? If I’m crazy enough to take on all the workload for the sake of everyone else, I’d probably do it in a heartbeat.
At least if I did, I’d walk away knowing that Im a better person than him… Or am I just gullible?


Be Kind.

The end of a very overwhelming 2 weeks for me at work. And the fun(?) Is just beginning.
I’ve basically had a wonderful person at my store training to be a team leader for her brand new site in Coventry. It’s the first time I’ve had someone at the store for this type of thing and I feel like being trusted to prepare someone for their management career is a big responsibility.
I’m proud to say I gave it my full attention and it paid off, however I’ve probably left myself way behind on my own work hense the previous post…
I feel like I’ve put myself at risk in some ways, but getting messages of appreciation made it worth while. I have to say though, as much as I appreciate the messages, for some reason my mind won’t let me process it and I almost feel like I’m mentally rejecting the idea of it going well.
I think the last year in work I’ve kind of accepted that no matter how positive you try to make your impact, there’s always something you could do better, so it’s hard to take the positive and far too easy to dwell on what could have been done differently.
On realising this, I thought maybe writing this would help. By writing down it’s been successful and reading it back later might help me accept that something good came from a good intention. And I should allow myself to feel proud of that.
I feel like it’s important to say that I’m not a dark twisted individual, I’d maybe say I’m more a realist! Its easier to focus on the negative and takes alot for a person to mention a positive. I think it’s just part on the human condition.
It may use less muscles to smile, but gravity makes a frown way more comfortable!!! 🙂

Loose Ends.

Anyone else feel like they just can’t switch off on a night and prevents you from sleeping?
There’s been alot going on here for me. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s loose ends, or variables where I don’t know what’s going to happen or I don’t know what to do..
Essentially, when I’m unsure of the outcome, I get caught up trying to mentally process what I’m going to do about it and I really can’t switch off. Nightmare when I’m finding it’s 1am and I’m up for work at 3.30am.
I’m aware this could be seen as some sort of anxiety, but I’m not quite sure I’d put it down to that.

Once I found the answer to a small piece of a big puzzle yesterday, I slept like a log.
Wish me luck tonight!

The Butterfly Effect.

Every get that feeling that even the most pure of intentions can end up coming across really bad? Welcome to the club!
I was quite lucky today. I was a bit nervous about whether something i said was about to be perceived in a really bad way. Some people would call it being “two faced”. And no matter if this comes from a good place or not, you’re pretty much at the mercy to how it gets passed along the chain on whispers.
I was asked to do something which I knew wasn’t the right thing to do, i felt like I was in a bit of an awkward position I was being put in by being asked to do it. But it’s not common knowledge so it’s understandable that they didn’t know. 
I thought it best to clear it some some level of seniority over me. Cover my back, they’d say yes, and the fault isn’t really my own if it turned out to be the wrong thing to do.

Ever feel like your at the mercy of someone elses agenda?

It all seemed to be going wrong when I was told not to go ahead with the request and that words were to be had. 
Luckily, the measure of a person is understanding intentions in a person, and recognising when things have been manipulated beyond control. I’d say I learned my lesson, but what is the lesson here?

Do Friends Really Last Forever?

Part of growing up is realising that change is inevitable. Being a child in school blissfully unaware of life’s responsibilities, it’s easy to think that your a being out of time.

“school will last forever”

“My friends are everything to me”

And as we move into adult life, we are really pushed beyond our comfort zone, suddenly this pressure to be self sustained an be pretty hard to digest because we have been protected from this reality.

Time goes by and you begin to meet new people, old friends start to fade and you realise some of these relationships you’ve formed have been a symptom of ease through surviving an environment together.

But can these Relationships really last?

In my previous post “Is it OK to be Single?” I pretty much covered that I was the type of guy who led with heart rather than head, so this lesson was a pretty tough one to learn for me…

throughout education, its easy to make friends, I was lucky enough to retain some friends from School and make many more in college. Throughout all by romance drama, I fell pretty reliant on friends and found after a while I almost began to live my life vicariously through them. It wasn’t a case of making plans together, it turned into “I have plans, you want to tag along?”

This didn’t really make much of a difference to me, I was still going out and having a great time and getting out to see people, so I carried on life this for a number of years.

Now Here’s the Tricky Part..

Where this became a problem and I had my moment of clarity, was when these people started to pair off and have kids, their priorities and responsibilities changed. Being someone completely happy to go with the flow of everyone else’s life, this was a pretty tough experience. The slight shifts in priorities I found pretty cutting as I started to realise I was walking outside the boundaries of my own existence.

The lesson I leant (and am still learning to this day!) Is that you have to live for yourself. Your priority is YOU. It can be hard being a single person making decisions that can sometimes be isolating but its a journey we all have to take. I realised if I carried on, I’d realise years down the road that I had nothing to show for my life. I was no ones ‘number one’ and the priority I gave everyone around me wasn’t reciprocated.

This is a life lesson I’m still trying to navigate. I’m really happy to be able to say I do have friends who have been with me since the beginning of School. But my flexing of personality style from emotional to Logical is something that isn’t natural to me, so at times I find I’m re-learning lessons that were tough to digest.


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Is it OK to be Single?

Why I’m here/Drawing the Line

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Is it Possible to Truly Feel Happy?

Online perceptions and what this makes our reality

Growning up, you visualise what your life will be like. For example, as a child I always imagined that I would be walking into my office, briefcase in hand, typing on my super swizzly computer. I’d imagine having my own modern apartment, living a fabulous ‘New York’ style lifestyle. When I look at where I am today, although it may be less “super cool and modern”, I’m pretty much where I thought I’d be. So why is there an overwhelming sense of “I lack purpose” or “I have nothing to show for my life”.

“I have nothing to show for my life”

The answer is pretty simple really. Social culture has evolved to a point where your online presence is almost a shining beacon of the fabulous life you live. Going to the supermarket to buy a loaf of bread in reality is pretty dull, put online this could be a super fun life changing trip which broadened your cultural pallet. My point being, we live to put across this perception that we live this amazing flawless life. But this comes at a cost…

So What Does This Make Our Reality?

When our online persona creates such a falsely perfective image of our lives, it’s not surprising that in reality we feel like our lives are pretty underwhelming. Especially when everything you read about your friends are just as falsely perfect. In my opinion this is a pretty toxic mix which is just part and parcel of our lives.

Don’t get me wrong, sure you can give social media the cold shoulder as some people do, but these days you can feel like your essentially cutting off a massive avenue of contact to most of the people you know. We live in a fad culture where phone numbers change as often as a mobile contract comes to an end.

By rejecting social media, are we also rejecting our ability to communicate with others?

So, my advise to all you lovely people out there, is to be aware of how these progressions into online social activity can be toxic to your soul. Take the time to look inwards and self reflect. You live a good life, you are as special as others perceive and appreciate your journey. Your life is as good as you perceive it, not what others see.

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Is it OK to be Single?

Is being single acceptable in modern day society?

In life, the people you meet are raised with certain expectations. Marriage, babies, happy families, we all have this programmed into us.

Whether it’s in the movies we watch, the people we know, there are many factors that contribute to this…

As a single mid twenties individual I’ve experienced many things. Love, loss, these all come part an parcel in a person’s existence. I’m not special, rather the opposite, so what makes me different to others? Dammed if i know.

Now, the question all single people loathe to hear, but is probably the most loaded innocent question one can ask.

So.. hows the love life going? You met anyone yet??

Although this question can be the bane of a person’s existence, it’s an inevitability that we are sure to face.

Throughout my life, I’ve made choices. Some bad, some good (haven’t we all?). One of these I made was to remain single.

After a string of relationships, i decided I’d had enough. It started when i met what I thought was the first and the last love I’d meet.

Naturally, as with first loves, these are more than likely to result in a breakup, but hey-ho what can I say? I led with my heart and not my head.

After this, I found no issue with finding new partners and moving on at face value. However, this initial infatuation with my Disney style “prince charming” became a factor that always resulted in disaster. I would meet someone new, the original would turn back up after being bored of being let off the leash and I would convince myself that this time it would work.

I was met with a moment of clarity and realised that although I hurt when it ended, my actions were having the same effect on others (and boy did I hear about it). In effect, the principles and values i clung to, became the opposite of what I became. It’s like being told by your parents if you pull funny faces long enough it’ll get stuck that way. except I’d became an insensitive monster by being hopelessly addicted to an idea that could never be.

You can’t change a person, but you can learn from experiences…

I decided that day the best thing i could do is to break the chain. I stopped meeting people until I knew that I had moved on and could finally achieve this preprogrammed expectation of life.

Funny thing though life, after a while comfort sets in and your faced with new challenges..

I find, currently, I’m very comfortable in my own company. I’ve probably became a little intolerant to the company of others and I’ve evolved into a person that lives for others happiness rather than my own.
So what’s my point already?

I don’t feel like I need someone to complete me. I don’t feel like my life needs to be validated in some preordained way so that I may die knowing that I met the expectations of the circle of life. We all grow based on our experiences and evolve in different ways. My journey is just as diverse as anyone elses. However, is there really such a thing as feeling complete?

It’s a question that I’m sure everyone lives with and one day we may find that answer. Hey, I’ll make a deal with you, if i ever find out I’ll let you know and you can do the same?